After giving this performance, I said “I did it.”
This simple sentence held the weight of my childhood that still lingered in my heart. The weight it possessed was familiar by the time I was 18. I never imagined I’d be speaking out on my life. Let alone imagine having the insight to create this space.
“I did it” holds a powerful mirror to my experiences and to the joy I felt in this moment.
It was surreal being part of the magic I witnessed. I was part of a room full of powerful Black Women, each celebrating their essence.
I’ve done the inner work and can now exude that with my performances. Being on that stage was liberating.
The interesting thing about this entire update is that just last week my mentor and I were discussing the weight I held in my chest, the weight I became so accustomed to that I welcomed its destruction. I had allowed it to control my life for such a long time that I never thought I’d be free.
Later that evening, my mentor was able to articulate what I could never say.
She disclosed to me that I had been harboring my childhood pain in my heart and it was time to face it.
We held nothing back and as we did this, the pain in my heart loosened, the chains slowly breaking open.
My heart was in its beginning stages of being set free. We picked at the locks until I was able to say,
“I’m ready.”
Ready for what, exactly?
To accept my Battle cry.
My battle cry is complex and beautiful because it’s unique to me. It’s not just one thing . . . No, it’s all the things that make me, me. Each quality encompasses who I am.
Accepting and embracing this battle cry was extremely challenging because it brought forth an overwhelming sense of anxiety. Immediately, I was afraid of what would happen and how I’d respond. There were so many questions running through my head that I laughed it off. I didn’t have a clear visual of me performing this piece until I was given five separate signs.
Each time I received one, I grew more fearful of what could happen. It wasn’t until after meeting with my mentor and celebrating my brink of success that I was able to put it all together. I had written this piece originally as a chapter back in early January. I remember after I wrote it, I didn’t want to think about it again even though I was relieved. I had successfully found a new way to release my emotion. This piece originated from a flashback; I discovered I could use my PTSD to my advantage.
However, I wasn’t quite ready to get up on stage and reveal this part of myself publicly, just yet. It took me weeks up until my performance to create a piece that I felt would represent my identity. This work of art was a combination of two of my pieces. I had wanted to convey both to myself and to others that I could do this. In order for that to happen, I had weeks of vulnerability and reflection. I allowed myself the time to dissect each fear and why it lived there.
I can honestly say that this allowed me to be even more open and honest with myself. I’ve struggled with my identity for years and I’m truly in awe of how I’ve made it to this phase in my life.
In the past, I’ve used plain language to describe myself. I’ve always referred to myself as simple. I often used negative language to characterize who I am.
Now, I notice I hold myself to a much higher standard, in all aspects. My identity is so much more than simple. It’s convoluted and challenging because it’s my life.
It’s full of ups and downs, but throughout them all, I grow. I learn. I heal. I serve as a influence to those like me. My story was intended to help shed light on broken images not created by the self, but inflicted by others.
Pause. Breathe. Relax.
It is now time for Reflection
The crowd vanishes, the two things visible are my microphone and my words
There’s something different, my gut pulses with adrenaline
Realizing I am present
Standing in my truth; my reality
My Voice shaking; a cocktail of rage and beauty
Accepting my past for all that it was
Having the courage to stand in front an audience; exposed
Finishing with my last words leaving an imprint on their hearts
Shaking hands as I walk filled with a confidence I only dreamed about
The words I did it replaying on a loop
It is all I can say as limbs and faces blurred by my eyes
Welcome me
More shields; holding me
Flowing words of encouragement
Words of praise
While I’m stunned into silence by my own bravery
Followed by nurturing hands
Designed to console the inner child in me that longed for such moments
From one woman to the next
As I felt tears of pride stream like rivers
Dismantling my artwork I placed on my face
A protective armor I thought would uphold
From one protector to another mentor
To strangers I wept
Hearing resounding applause and
I know that was hard, but it had to be done
It had to be revealed because abuse of any kind shouldn’t be kept secret
No matter how long you may keep it
My legs losing their strength in the wave of my impact.
Finally, this day comes after longing for love after each scenario
I received a love so pure it helped fill in those holes.
Finally the Girl behind Glass stands as a woman who
Is back to being herself again.
– Queen J.
Voices For The Voiceless 